A Turing tale

A funny thing happened at work today. When I got to my desk there was an e-mail waiting that said we all had to assemble in the conference room at ten sharp. So, come ten o'clock we were milling around in the conference room, buzzing with rumours, when the managing director walked on to the stage. He stood behind the glass lectern, tapped the microphone once, then began to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "Dear colleagues, it is with a unique mixture of joy and sadness that I ask you to gather here today, as I regret to inform you that one of your dearest colleagues, Bob Sanderson, is no longer with us."

Murmurs.

"I know this will come as a shock to you, but don't worry. He has merely been switched off."

More murmurs.

"You see, Bob Sanderson was merely a computer program."

Murmurs growing into full-blown hubbub.

"And a very successful one at that. We programmed him with a few stock responses to work-related queries - you've all heard his 'Thanks [insert name], I'll pass that one on for Ray in accounts to action' line, I'm sure - and a number of vague day-to-day social niceties, and we were just amazed at how he seemed to fit right in. But the real masterstroke, we found, was programming him with an auto-forward function for e-mailed jokes and pictures of people hurting themselves in ridiculous ways. That was the icing on the cake. Did you never wonder why you never saw him? Why he only ever communicated by e-mail?"

Hubbub maturing into hullaballoo.

"So, that's the sad news. The happy news, though, is that after Bob's successful beta test CompuColleague v1.0 is now ready for roll-out, and will be taking over the Customer Care e-mail accounts. We're thinking of calling him Jeff. Oh, Barbara? Unfortunately this means you're out of a job. That will be all. Thanks for your time - back to work, people."

We filed out, back to our cubicles. Except for Barbara, of course.

So, it turns out Turing was wrong. Depressingly, in order to pass for human a computer has to display no real insight or intelligence, and only the most rudimentary of social skills.

Be honest, though: you're not that shocked, are you?

But anyway, did you see what those idiots in government have just done? What a bunch of idiots. And how about the game last night? That coach is something else, isn't he?

Dancing On Fly Ash is back up and running! Go and visit, you'll be glad you did.