An open letter from the Scissor Man

Dear Parents

I would like to take this opportunity to launch a plea.

You may know me as the Great Tall Tailor or the Great, Long, Red-Legged Scissor Man (although I resent the latter description, as the colouring of my legs is the result of an unfortunate medical condition), and as I am sure you are aware it is my grave responsibility to punish those children foolish enough to suck their thumbs. I am sad to say, however, that the halcyon days of Conrad and his ilk are long gone, and due to increased public scrutiny of government finances I am in danger of becoming marginalised.

As with so many state-sponsored initiatives, under the current government system my funding will not be renewed for 2006 if I do not fulfil a mandated quota. If this were to happen I would not only be out of a job but the whole country would suffer from the sorry disappearance of a valued public service.

I am aware of the distress that digital severage may cause to you and your child, but I hope I can set your mind at rest by assuring you that discomfort and any subsequent risk of infection are kept to an absolute minimum. My scissors are diamond-sharpened, sterile, surgical quality steel, are replaced after every use, and fully comply with Directive 451 from the UN Convention on Sharp Objects. Child selection, too, is fair and unprejudiced, as it is undertaken strictly in accordance with European Union Directive 4458-01-A (Cruel Punishments From Cautionary Tales - Client Selection Criteria).

So please, I beg you, allow me to fulfil my quota and keep this nation great: do not warn your child about the perils of thumb-sucking.

Yours sincerely

The Great Tall Tailor