Hallelujah

I'm going to heaven. This isn't just something I believe, it's something I know. For sure. I'm safe, God told me. Told me himself. But not like those nuts you hear about, though. Not me. This was really God talking. The big man. He said I was sure-fire, grade A, top-of-the-class guaranteed for a place up there. You know, on high. Told me I'm a shoo-in. Pleased? Damn right I was pleased. I admit it, I was surprised too. Sure I was. Who wouldn't be? I mean, I've done some stuff in the past, some booze, a few assaults, a little petty theft, but nothing, you know, major. Some drugs, naturally. Who hasn't? I mean, I'd even taken a whole load of drugs just before God spoke to me, so I guess that just means that He's got different ideas of good and bad to us. And who am I to argue with the big guy? Nobody, that's who. Apart from being one of the lucky few who He's chosen to save. Man, it feels good, I can tell you.

So I figured, if I'm definitely heading up there when I die anyway, then what have I got to worry about down here? Not the police, that's for sure. If God himself says I'm cool, how the hell can they judge me? So I thought to myself, why not have a little fun before I go, huh? Do some stuff I always wanted to but thought I shouldn't? I mean, wouldn't you? Come on, you can answer. What's the matter, cat got your tongue? Oh, no, I almost forgot - I have it right here. Anyway, that's why you're tied to the chair there, and that's why I'm going to kill you.